Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I’ve suspected t hat my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

I maintain that much may be done to cultivate a cheerful heart, but we
must begin young if we are to have the Grecian rather than the Hebrew
outlook on life.

A recognition of the possible depths of this affection should make us
bear with a light heart those transient and unavoidable
disappointments in life which we are apt to nurse than to shake off
with a smile. With the prayer of Themistocles for forgetfulness on our
lips, let us bury the worries of yesterday in the work of today. Some
little tincture of Saturn may be allowed in our hearts, but never in
our faces. Sorrow and sdadness must come to each one – it is our lot:

We look before and after
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

Shelley.

We can best oppose any tendency to melancholy by an active life of
unselfish devotion to others; and with the advice with which Burton
ends the book I will close

‘Give not way to solitariness and idleness…
Sperate Miseri;
Cavete Faelices
(If unhappy, have hope;
If happy be cautious.)

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person’s life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I’m free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I’m free — Give back my glove!!

TO MY CHILD

Just for this morning, I am going to
smile when I see your face and laugh
when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you
choose what you want to wear,
and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step
over the laundry and pick you up and take you to
the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the
dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put
that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug
the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with
you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell
once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and
whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one
if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won’t worry
about what you are going to be when you grow up, or
second guess every decision I have made where you are
concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you
help me bake cookies, and I won’t stand over you
trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us
to McDonald’s and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can
have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in
my arms and tell you a story about how you were
born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you
splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you
stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle
beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my
finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be
grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and
fathers who are searching for their missing children, the
mothers and fathers who are visiting their children’s
graves instead of their bedrooms. The mothers
and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming
inside that little body

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold
you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then,
that I will thank God for you, and ask him for
nothing, except one more day…………..

After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, ‘I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.’
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
* * *
‘What’s wrong, aren’t you well,’ she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.
* * *
‘I thought it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,’ I responded. ‘Just the two of us.’ She thought about it for a moment, and then said, ‘I would like that very much.’
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. ‘I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,’ she said, as she got into that new white van. ‘They can’t wait to hear about our date’.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips ‘It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,’ she said. ‘Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,’ I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said,

‘I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me

invite you.’ I agreed.
* * *
‘How was your dinner date ?’

asked my wife when I got home.
‘Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,’
I answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t
have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: ‘I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates – one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me.

I love you, son.’
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: ‘I LOVE YOU’ and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till ’some other time.’
* * *
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back
to normal after you’ve had a baby…. somebody
doesn’t know that once you’re a mother,
‘normal’ is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct … somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring ….
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit.

Somebody said if you’re a’good’ mother,
your child will ‘turn out good’….
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don’t need an education to be a
mother…. somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math..
* * *
Somebody said you can’t love the second child as
much as you love the first …. somebody doesn’t
have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery….
somebody never watched her ‘baby’ get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ….
or on a plane headed for military ‘boot camp.’
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married…..somebody doesn’t know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother’s heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother’s job is done when

her last child leaves home….

somebody never had grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don’t need to tell her….

somebody isn’t a mother.

khamosh in fizao me na jane kaisa dard samaya hai,
bekarar meri nazro ne kal sapne me phir tumhe talasha hai..
rona tumhare liye ab aur mai chahta nahi,
par tumhari yaado ne mujhe kal bhi rulaya hai..
ek pal me yun laga jaise, zindagi kaha se kaha pahunch gayi..
tum mere jeevan se jo gaye to laga jeene ki ummid hi chali gayi..
jane kaun si kashish chupi hai tumhare chehre me..
ki meri nindo ne bhi aajkal mujhse rishta tod diya hai..
tumhara diya har zakhm jab bhi kabhi yaad aata hai..
ankho se aansu chalak jate hai, aur dil tadap uthta hai..
dil se riste lahoo ki har boond tumhe pukarti hai,
zakmo se uthti har tees yaad tumhe karti hai..
tum agar aate bhi ho kabhi mere sapno me
-dabe paon, meri nind phir bhi tut jati hai..
aj bhi jab sapno me kabhi aati ho tum, ankho se-
aansu lagte bahne, dil phir se ho jata hai bikal..
beete samay k khandaharo par lagi hai tumhari tasveer,
par unhe jhankne se rokta hai mujhe mera jameer..
thi kabhi tum meri hi, jyon lata lipti ped ki..
chuti jab mujhse ja mili apni duniya me, jyon kamal talaab ki..
ek apni maanzil hai jo kahi dur-dur tak ab nazar hi nahi aati..
aur ek tumhari shakl hai jo lakh bhulaye bhi dil se nahi mitti..
hasrate meri dil ki sari adhuri hi rah gayi,
socha tha jo tumhe kahunga,wo baat dil me hi dab gayi..
aur ab to dekho ban chuka hai wo apni judai ka mahal,
jiska har farsh mere dil ki nichudti lahoo se ranga hai..
har deevaro par mere aansuo k cheente hai..
har chat tumhari bewafai se tane hai..
aur us kone me udta hua sa wo aanchal bhi shayad tumhara hai,
jo aaj bhi har pal-har ghadi mera mazaak uda raha hai..!!!!!!!!!

aaj sunani hai tumhe apni kahani…

khud ki hi jubani….

tumpe mar-mita hoon mai,

par tumhe toh khabar hi nahi,

kya geela mai tumse karu,

tumhe toh kuch pata hi nahi,

bewafa bhi toh nahi kah sakta tumhe,

kyunki jo kaha maine, woh tumne suna hi nahi….

bas yeh hai meri kahani,

tanhaiyon  ki jubani,

sannata yeh mujhse kehta hai,

kyun bewajah tadapta hai,

kante har pal yaadon ke daman se chunta hoon,

tumse milne ki aas liye ladkhadate kadmo par khada hoon….

shayad mai hi aashiq nirarthak hoon,

jo kuch bhi apne pyaar ke liye nahi kar pa raha hoon,

tumne toh samjhaya bhi hai isharon se,

shayad mai hi samajh nahi pa raha hoon….

khair jakhm apne khud hi kuredta hoon,

apni kahani khud ko hi sunata hoon…

dukh hi toh jeevan ki katha rahi,

kya kahun aaj jo nahi kahi…

pyaar ke ish path par mere karya sakal,

hokar rah gaye poori tarah bifal….

phir bhi jaane kyun mai zinda hoon…?

shayad apni kahani tumhe sunane ko mai zinda hoon,

dil gam ke kaanto se lathpath pada hai,

phir bhi sannato me tumhari aawaze sunne mai zinda hoon,

aankh har pal lahoo nichod rahi hai,

phir bhi tumhe dekhne ki aas liye mai zinda hoon…

haan mai zinda hoon,

par ab aur nahi saha jata …

aakar tham lo yeh haath mera.

kyunki mai bhi nahi janta hoon,

ki mai kab tak zinda hoon…………!!!

Standing on the shore of life,

I am no longer an angry young person,

I have learnt how to be calm.

Fought I have many battles of life,

Scraped through each, but scarred;

Many times I was without a weapon,

Very often I fumbled, even with a sword.

Days have gone down the by lanes,

I may have died a million times

But every time, I had a new birth.

The warm breeze touched my face,

Made me feel at home, but moved on;

I incessantly requested her to stay back,

….But I was late, she was gone.

As I stand here with the world behind

I know I have people watching me,

But I want to cross the shore,

As someone is waiting for me on the other side of the sea..!!!

(Written by a former child) … A message every adult shuld read, coz children are watching u n doin as u do, not as u say…

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw u hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, n I immediately wanted
to paint another one.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw u feed a
stray cat, n I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw u make my
favorite cake for me n I learned that the little things can be
the special things in life.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I heard u say a
prayer, n I knew there is a God I could always
talk to n I learned to trust in God.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw u make a
meal n take it to a friend who was sick, n I
learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw u give of
ur time n money to help people who had nothing
n I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don’t.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take
care of our house and everyone in it and I learned
we have to take care of what we are given.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you
handled ur responsibilities, even when you didn’t
feel good and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come
from ur eyes and I learned tat sometimes things
hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that u
cared n I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of
life’s lessons tat I need to know to be a good
n productive person when I grow up.

When u thought I wasn’t looking, I looked at u
and wanted to say, “Thanks for all the things I saw
when you thought I wasn’t looking.”

Time may wear the edge of grief,

But memories turn on every leaf,

Time rolls on and shadows fall,

But relations and rememberance outlasts them all .