Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A blonde driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The blonde told the man not to worry.

She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the blonde’s spray can!! He ran over to the blonde and asked, “What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years.”

The dog responded, “Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.”

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”

The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so…

# man woman desire
man: desire not found

$ cat “food in cans”
cat: cannot open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate Bibi’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jason?
Missing ].

% \316 How did the sex change operation go? \316
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every nonsense from Bert, what
would I have?
Too many (’s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered, and no matter how much the skunks are threatening:

39. “I’ll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greeenpeace? (On second thought)
28. We’re vegetarians.(Same Here)
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and ridiccio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Redneck say is -
1. Elvis who?

A lady teacher of English literature fell in love. Her love was not reciprocated. She put it down as “Loves Labour Lost.” She fell in love again, got engaged but the fellow backed out.

She put it down as “Much Ado About Nothing.” The third time she was luckier and more amenable to her gentleman friend. She recorded the encounter “As you Like It.”

This was followed by marriage and honeymoon. This time it was “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Her Husband added the postscript “The Taming of The Shrew.”

Once Josh Maliahabai, Firaq Gorakhpuri and other poets were drinking at a bar. Pandit Hari Chand Akthar who was a teetotaller picked up the wine-list and began to scan its contents.

Josh asked him what he was reading, “It is a list of spirits, wines and beers and their prices,” replied Akthar.

Josh, the ever-ready wit remarked: “Panditji aisey lagtey hain jaisay kee hijda Kok Shastra par raha hai – Panditji it’s like a eunuch reading a manual on Sex.”

Quick Thinker

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, “there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half”.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, “you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota sir”.

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” The manager was shocked and replied “My wife is from Minnesota!!”

The boy answered, “Really! What team did she play for?”

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.” “Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?” “Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?” The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

“I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!” The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?” “Ok, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it. “See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. “Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president. “He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?” “No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily. “Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. “Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. “What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president. “Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

A CORK radio station was running a competition – ords that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense.

The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DL: “… You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan f**k yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Sme… spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ’smee’.”
DJ: “… You are correct, Jeff, ’smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan F**k yourself!”

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and they are especially skilled at seeing that youget all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don’t take there S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) those who fail to take D.E.E.P, S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you my be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)