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Kushal Ali, vice-chancellor of the Aligrah Muslim University, had his audience in splits when he told the following anecdote:

A vice-chancellor died and was received at the gates of paradise for questioning before his fate could be decided. “What were you doing when living?” asked Dharmraj.

“I was vice-chancellor of a university.”

“That’s okay. You’ve suffered the pangs of hell on earth and deserve a break in paradise.”

The next arrival was put through the same questioning. “I was vice-chancellor of a university for three successive terms,” he replied.

“Put him in hell.” ordered Dharmraj. “He’s got into the habit.” :)

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A deputation of government servants mets the Prime Minister and related their woes of stagnating in their jobs. The Prime Minister heard them patiently as is his won’t and replied calmly, “I don’t mind being the Prime Minister all my life, without asking for even one single promotion. I don’t understand why can’t you be content with being LDCs, UDCs or Assistants?” :D

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Two men met in heaven. “What did you die of?” asked the one.

“I died of extreme cold. And what about you?”

“I came home from work and heard my wife talking to a stranger. On entering the house, I searched every nook and corner of te house but could not find anyone anywhere. I felt so guilty of my behaviour that my heart failed.”

On this, the other one said, “Had you cared to open the fridge, neither of us would have died.” :)

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The mega polis of Mumbai holds many a challenge for the ‘rookie’ who
lands here unaware of the hurdles and challenges that he or she might
have to face.

A recent incident saw one such hapless victim falling prey to the
overenthusiastic nature of Bombay’s local train commuters. Our hero, a
man from Pune, wanted to go to Matunga, but as luck and trains would
have it, boarded a fast train not halting at his destination. He
panicked on realising his mistake but by then the local had started
moving.

On seeing his plight, a sympathetic co-passenger decided to come to
his rescue. It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular
train (6 :03 pm Kasara Fast) for the past 6 years and had noticed that
the train always slowed down just before Matunga station and crawled
at a snail’s pace while passing through it. He told the man to jump
out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit
of fleet-footedness, he would make it safely on terra firma.

However, knowing the man’s inexperience, he added some words of
caution: “Keep running the moment you jump or you’ll fall. Just keep
running.” He stressed the word “running” lest the man not know the
laws of motion.

The train did slow down just before Matunga station and at the
prompting of his mentor, our hero jumped out of the train and started
running as if all hell had broken loose. What he didn’t realise, of
course, was that he was running parallel to the train instead of
running away from it.

Meanwhile, the train slowed down further, so that the man was running
faster than the train. In the process, he reached the door of the next
compartment and the footboard commuters there pulled him in thinking
he was trying to board the train! To ! his agony, the train picked up
speed and sped past Matunga and his new co-passengers started to
congratulate him on how lucky he had been, until he told them that
they had actually undone what he had done with great difficulty.

Those standing at the door of his “ex-compartment” had witnessed the
whole drama and just couldn’t stop laughing at the poor man’s
situation, while he grinned sheepishly.

Yeh hai mumbai meri jaan…. sure u’ve had a hearty laugh urself…
now pass it around to other Mumbaites (or Mumbaikars) so they can have one too :)

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An English Colonel of an Indian Regiment once told me that he had been very concerned over fights that frequently erupted between Sikh soldiers serving under him. He made a record of the incidents and discovered that it was usually on Sundays and other off-days when there was no drill, parade or other training to keep them occupied that trouble broke out.

So he decided that on every off-day Sikh soldiers should be made to carry their full pack on their backs and made to run round the parade ground for one hour before being allowed off. The trick worked.

The soldiers were too exhausted to fight with each other and holidays passed off peacefully !

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A bearded Bengali anda  sardarji got into an argument over which State had produced more freedom fighters – Bengal or Punjab. They decided that for each patriot one named from his State he would be entitled to pluck out a hair from the other’s beard.

The Bengali opened the offensive with “Khudi Ram Bose” and tweaked a hair from the Sardarji’s beard. The Sardarji responded with “Bhagat Singh” and plucked one out of the Bengali’s beard. And so it went on painfully with Bengali evidently having an endless list of Bengali nationalists up his sleeve. The Sardarji came to the end of his list. Then with great gusto he yelled “Jalianwala Bagh” and yanked the Bengali’s beard off his chin :D

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A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day, a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit…

Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”

Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

Man: “It’s been 10 years!” With this information`the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.`Man: “Oh, thank you so much!”

Girl: “So tell me how long it’s been since you`had a drink?” Man: “It’s been 10 years.” The girl unzips a longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”

Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”

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They breed, they vote, they’re alive! I hope they’re voting on the
other ticket!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”. For three
days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at
it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this
deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read: “Fridge for sale $50?. The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . .These people Vote

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn’t want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in
the North?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
East, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I
don’t keep up with that stuff”. . . . . . . .She ALSO votes!

I use to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific” . .
. . . . . He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car
was moving” . . . . . She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
. . . . .My sister ALSO votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . He
ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a
person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned. . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was
a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me,
“has your plane arrived yet? ” . . . SHE ALSO votes!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think
I’m hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . .Yep, he votes too.

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Before marriage…..

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don ‘ t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I ‘ m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage….
Simply read from bottom to top.

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This is one of  the nicest  e-mails I have  seen, and is so true:

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around.
We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, ‘This
is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are
received.’

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels
sorting out petitions written on  voluminous paper sheets and scraps from
people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, ‘This is the Packaging and Delivery Section.
Here, the graces and blessings the  people asked for are processed and
delivered to the living persons who asked for them.’

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard
at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being
packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the
door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was
seated there, idly doing nothing. ‘This is the Acknowledgment Section,’
my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed ‘How
is it that there is no work going on here?’ I asked.

‘So sad,’  the angel sighed. ‘After people receive the blessings that they
asked
for, very few send back acknowledgments.’

‘How does one acknowledge God’s blessings?’ I asked.

‘Simple,’ the angel answered. Just say, ‘Thank you, Lord.’

‘What blessings should they acknowledge?’  I asked.

‘If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If
you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish,
you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy .’

‘And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the
world who has that opportunity.’

Also …..

‘ If you woke up this morning with more health than illness…you are more
blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .’

‘If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or  the pangs of starvation…you are
ahead of 700 million people in the world..’

‘If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest,
torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion
people
in the world .’

‘If your parents are still alive and still married …you are very rare.’

‘If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you’re
unique to all those in doubt and despair.’

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to
remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

Atn.
Acknowledge Dept:    ‘Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share
this message and for giving me so many people to share it with.’

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