Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

Chandrababuism

You have two cows in Vijayawada . You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad .

Jayalalithaism

You have two cows. You teach them to cry,’Ammaaaaaaa…’ and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhiism

You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew ..

Gandhism

You have two cows. But you drink goat’s milk.

Indiraism

You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism

You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.

Rajnikantism

* You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Santaism

You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.

Softwarism: (Ultimate….)

Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them.

1 .. First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)

2 .. Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)

3 .. Then prepare how to milk them (Design)

4 .. Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them

(Framework)

5 .. Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client

the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)

6 .. If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2

7 You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)

8 .. Redo step 4

9 .. At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)

10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)

11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.

12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls

13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)

14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)

15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk

16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)

17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.

18. Client is happy???

By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk.

(The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!!

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees beautiful woman and strikes up a conversation. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says,

“Oh no! It’s so late. My wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he precedes to rub on his hands and then goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.

“Where have you been?” Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
She sees his hands are covered with powder and says…
“You big fat liar!!! You were playing pool again !!!

Moral of the story:
(1) Always tell your wife the truth.
(2) She will never believe you anyway.
(3) At least your conscience will be clear .

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my girl friend. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly Happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”

Ramayana – narrated by a American teenage dude… Do read it………………….

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of “Diwali” to his younger brother, this is how he went about it…

“So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something… Since he was going,
for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along… you know…so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit… really man…they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But
this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows… so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed….. all the gods were with him… So anyways, you don’t mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys… just go along with me, ok…

so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta’s ass in his own hood.
Anyways, by this time, their time’s up in the forest..and anyways…it gets kinda boring,you know… no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home… and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home… they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice… and they didn’t have any bars or clubs in those days… so they couldn’t take
them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit…and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also… so it was pretty cooool…
you know with all those fireworks… Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks… and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks… you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started.”

First caller:

Girl:    Hello Sir, this is Pooja calling from Country Club.
Me:     Hi Pooja!
Girl:    Sir, we are offering life time Country Club membership for Rs.1.5 lakh only!
Me:     Wow, what an offer! Only 1.5 lakh! How come so cheap?
Girl:    Sir, I am not joking (with a chuckle).
Me:     Neither me. You know, one of my friends already has Club Mahindra membership at Rs.1.5 lakh per year. Do you have any concession on group booking? I think we have around 8 people in my team.

Girl:    Sir, along with this, you will get 2 air tickets to Goa absolutely free!
Me:     Free? I mean after becoming a member, isn’t it?
Girl:    We are also offering 8/6 site in Tumkur.
Me:     What should I do with that site?
Girl:    You know Sir, if you have more people in your group, you can have a farm house there …

Me:     where we can enjoy our retired life (continuing from where she left)

Girl:    I am not joking, Sir!
Me:     Who said that you are joking? Seriously Madam, I am serious. (Can’t control my loud laughter this time)
Girl:    Ok Sir, I think you are not interested. And she hangs up. 

Second caller:

Girl:    Hi Sir, this is Pooja calling from ICICI Bank.
Me:     Oh, Pooja, nice to hear your voice!
Girl:    (amused by reaction) Sir, we are offering home loans for 12% interest.
Me:     Oh, is that so? It’s good, but I have an offer from another bank which is giving home loan for only 2% interest!
Girl:    Only 2% interest?
Me:     Yeah, it’s only 2%, seriously.
Girl:    Which bank, Sir? I do not think any bank is offering at this interest rate.

Me:     (lowering my voice) I can’t tell you, you know it’s a private bank!
Girl:    No Sir, it’s not possible. If that’s the case, then, I’m also interested.
Me:     If you want to know the name of the bank, give your mobile number as I cannot disclose this information over phone. I am bound not to disclose the details.

Girl:    Okay. She disconnects the call.  

Third caller:

Girl:    Hello Sir, I am Pooja calling from …

Me:     (interrupting her) Hang on for a moment … (taking my time) …Okay let’s play “Kaun Banega Crorepati” with… sorry, I forgot your name?

Girl:    Sorry ….
Me:     What’s your name, Madam? Am I speaking in an alien language?
Girl:    Pooja…
Me:     Audience, we have Pooja on our hot seat. Let’s play “Kaun Banega Crorepati” with Pooja. (Of course, mimicking Big B’s accent) Here is the first question to Pooja for 1,000 rupees on your computer screen. (Adding standard KBC music) Which bank you are calling from? (a) ICICI (b) HDFC (c) Deutsche (d) Others.
Girl:    Funny (light laugh)…Okay, I am calling from HDFC.
Me:     Computer, please lock (b) HDFC …And yes (b) HDFC is the right answer. You have won 1,000 rupees!
Girl:    Sir, are you interested in … (again interruption by me).
Me:     (my own voice) aren’t you enjoying it? I think YES (switching back to Big B voice again) Ready for another question? And here goes the second question for 2,000 rupees on your computer screen. What is the reason behind your call to me? (a) Credit/debit card (b) Home loan/personal loan (c) Mutual fund (d) Others.
Girl:    Okay, it’s enough. Are you interested in free Gold Credit Card offered by us?
Me:     Oh no, wrong answer. Sorry Poojaji, I already have credit card from ICICI. I have been telling the participants that whenever you have doubt in mind, go for the life lines. And you have not used any of your life lines. What a pity!

Girl:    She hangs up. (As expected)

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs… I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection! with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It’s eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops…Will call back in an hour!

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the
Attack on the Pentagon:

“I’m sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything.”

Some of funny lettersLearn how to write leave letters from the following examples: This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India …

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “as I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding: “as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

6. An incident of a leave letter “I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”

9. Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…”

10. Another one: “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…”

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

12. Letter writing: – “I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

13. A candidate’s job application:

“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both (!!)For the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It’s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote ‘DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!’

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

Postman: – I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: – why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it….

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How’ll U divide your kids, U’VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We’ll apply NEXT YEAR

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Sardar’s wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

A Teacher lecturing on population:
‘In India after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. ‘
A Sardar stands up- ‘We must find & stop her!. ‘
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

A man: ‘Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?’
Sardarji: ”Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM”.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says ‘CHIN YU YAN’ and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend’s last Words.
And finds It means ‘U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!’
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what…
To avoid side effects!!!

____________ _________ _________ _________

Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar’.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

Lawyer to Sardar: ‘Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke…… ‘
Sardar :’Yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir gita pe haath!!’
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
A Sardar saw a beautiful girl… He went and kissed her….
Girl said- ‘What R U doing…?’
Sardar replied- ‘ B.COM from Khalsa college, Chandigar’

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don’t know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says ‘please recharge your card’
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, ‘For Best Results put on Two Coats’

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, ‘Ha! Ha! Haaa! I’ve seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). ‘
The first sardar replies, ‘Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258′
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.. . BOLO tarara!!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept……. .
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient’s Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!