Hum woh phool hain jo roz roz nahi khiltay,
Yeh wo hont hain jo kabhi nahin siltay,
Hum se bichro ge to ehsas hoga tumhain,
Hum wo dost hain jo roz roz nahin miltay
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** The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
** Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
** The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the church breakfast next Sunday morning.
** Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
** A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
** The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
** Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
** The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
** Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
** A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
** At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
** Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
** Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
** The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
** The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
** Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.
** For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
** This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
** The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
** Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
** The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken care of:
1. The telephone is ringing.
2. The baby is crying.
3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.
4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain.
5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.
In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down your order, and scroll down after you’ve made your decision. Don’t cheat!
Did you write them down?
Ok……
Here are the answers. Each of the items above represents a facet of your life.
1. The phone represents your job or career.
2. The baby represents your family.
3. The visitor represents your friends.
4. The laundry represents your sex life.
5. The running water represents money or wealth.
Makes you think, right? How close did this test match your priorities in life?
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense.
Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital — the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms — if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S.government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.
Humans can be very frustrating pets, but there are simple steps that you can follow to bring them under control. If you follow these instructions, you can have your human trained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven totally unproductive. In order to discourage the water habit, you should wander near the bathroom during one such ritual, then “accidentally” get sprayed with water — this provides an excuse to scream loudly and scratch everything in sight with all four feet. If this behavior repeated often enough, the human will get the message that water is to be avoided.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to understand a proper language. Therefore, you must communicate your points loudly and repeatedly. If at all possible, the best time to make an impression is at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably about fifteen minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by up-close and prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boyscout rank?
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If “No”, explain:
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly buttonring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTERmean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman’s place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is
____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue and leave premises – keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Some Daffynitions:
Arbitrator ar’-bi-tray-ter:
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Avoidable uh-voy’-duh-buhl:
What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo’-nee:
Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn’-a-det:
The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur’-gler-ize:
What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse e-klips’:
What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i’-drop-ur:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee’-rhos:
What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left’ bangk’:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis’-tee:
How golfers create divots.
Paradox par’-uh-doks:
Two physicians.
Parasites par’-uh-sites:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm’-uh-sist:
A helper on the farm.
Polarize po’-lur-ize:
What penguins see with.
R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale — R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.