Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken care of:

1. The telephone is ringing.

2. The baby is crying.

3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.

4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain.

5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.

In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down your order, and scroll down after you’ve made your decision. Don’t cheat!

Did you write them down?
Ok……

Here are the answers. Each of the items above represents a facet of your life.

1. The phone represents your job or career.

2. The baby represents your family.

3. The visitor represents your friends.

4. The laundry represents your sex life.

5. The running water represents money or wealth.

Makes you think, right? How close did this test match your priorities in life?

** The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
** The most common name in the world in Mohamed.
** A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
** A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
** A snail can sleep for three years.
** All polar bears are left handed.
** American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
** Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
** Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
** Butterflies taste with their feet
** Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
** China has more English speakers than the United States.
** Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear any pants.
** Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
** Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
** February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
** Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
** I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
** If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.
** If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
** If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
** If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
** In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
** Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
** No word in the English language rhymes with month.
** On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
** One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930’s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.
** Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
** Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
** Shakespeare invented the words ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
** Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
** Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
** The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
** The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
** The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
** The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
** The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
** The name Wendy was made up for the book ‘Peter Pan’.
** The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
** The words racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
** Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (guess they miss more…)
** You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

** You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

** You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

** You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

** The subway makes sense.

** You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

** You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

** You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple.”

** Your door has more than three locks.

** You go to a hockey game for the fighting; in the stands; to participate.

** Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

** The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

** You consider eye contact an act of over aggression.

** You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.

** You complain about having to mow it.

** You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

** Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

** Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

** When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

** Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.

** No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

** If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.

** Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.

** Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.

** Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.

** When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.

** You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.

** Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.

** A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.

** Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.

** Women like the simpler things in life – like men.

** Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.

** Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.

** It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.

** All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

** Feel guilty about throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
** Use the expression “sun break” and know what it means.
** Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
** Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
** Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
** Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “WALK” signal.
** Are amazed by accurate weather forecasts.
** Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.
** Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one.
** Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
** Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah and Oregon.
** Consider swimming an indoor sport.
** See your golf ball bounce, you know immediately that you’ve hit the cart path and not the fairway.
** Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
** In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark – while only working 8-hour days.
** Obey all traffic laws except “Keep right except to pass.”
** Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
** Are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” or “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
** Can’t wait for a day with “Showers and sun breaks.”
** Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
** Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best Coffee and Veneto’s.
** Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
** Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can’t see through the cloud cover.
** Say “The mountain is out” when it’s a pretty day and you can actually see it.
** Have more rain gear in your golf bag than golf balls.
** Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
** Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
** Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
** Have a heater in your golf cart.
** Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
** Knew immediately that the view outside of Frasier’s window was fake
AND…..
** You know you’re from the NW if you buy new sunglasses every year because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time….

The Problem

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

The Solution

Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways:

You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
– “In my opinion,” (you say as sincerely as you can manage), “You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
– “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
– “I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
– “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
– “I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
– “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry her with these facts as well.
Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; who is earning almost as much as you do!

One, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are;
One, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your sister haven ‘ t, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements.

One, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life; One, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family, name. One, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen One, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning and cook food at the end of the day, even if she is as tired as you are, maybe more, and yet never ever expected to complain; to be a servant, a cook, a mother, a wife, even if she doesn ‘ t want to; and is learning just like you are as to what you want from her; and is clumsy and sloppy at times and knows that you won ‘ t like it if she is too demanding, or if she learns faster than you;
One, who has her own set of friends, and that includes boys and even men at her workplace too, those, who she knows from school days and yet is willing to put all that on the back-burners to avoid your irrational jealousy, unnecessary competition and your inherent insecurities; Yes, she can drink and dance just as well as you can, but won ‘ t, simply
Because you won ‘ t like it, even though you say otherwise One, who can be late from work once in a while when deadlines, just like yours, are to be met; One, who is doing her level best and wants to make this most important, relationship in her entire life a grand success, if you just help her some and trust her; One, who just wants one thing from you, as you are the only one she knows in your entire house – your unstinted support, your sensitivities and most importantly – your understanding, or love, if you may call it.

But not many guys understand this……

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….

Cop : “Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?”

Blonde : “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.”

Cop : “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”

Blonde : “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, I’ll be more careful from now on.”

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : “Excuse me miss, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something awful.”

Blonde : “Oh… We just got off of highway 119″

1.Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “Thats a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.

2.Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3.Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4.Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat).

5.Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.

6.Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7.If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.

8.Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and …Oooops!

9.This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10.Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11.Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12.Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13.Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).

14.Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man – or woman.

15.Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16.Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.

17.Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18.Take two aspirins and lie down.