Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don’t stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, “One moment please, I will get the chemist.”

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?”

“I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde.

“I’m sorry,” says the chemist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” Said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her “This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant”.

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Click here to see the video – one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. “Mommy,” says the little Mary, “how old are you?”

“Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is.”

“Why not?” demands the child.

“Well, that is something you will understand one day when you’re grown-up.”

“Mommy,” asks Mary again, “how much do you weigh?”

“Never mind.” answers the mother.

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday.”

“Mommy,” insists the child, “can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?”

“Darling,” responds the mother in exasperation, “that’s something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can’t talk about it now.”

A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems…

“All you have to do is get your mother’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it’ll give you anything you need.”

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother’s room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, “I know how old you are! You are 35!” The mother is very surprised. “And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?” The mother is shocked. “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.”

The mother, dumb founded asked, “Why?”

“It’s because you got an F in sex.”

Vietnamese girls were the Gl’s top favourites during American military presence in Vietnam war. “They can be poor in history, but really great ondates,” Leo Shaw assures us in his book entitled Confucius Say. Don’t be misled by their being bow-legged: “Just because their legs are like ice-tongs, does not mean they are frigid.” Their being poorly edowed on the way of busts became the GIs’ favourite joke. “As one false said to another let’s pack up and leave her flat.”

Next to getting venereal disease it was having a pregnant girl on his hands that was the GIs’ nightmare. The pill was not known and abortions risky. Hence the description of an optimist in Vietnam was one who rubbed vanishing cream on his firl friends’s tummy hoping it would disappear. The sanest advice this American Confucius could give the randy GI was, “Women over forty best; they don’t yell, don’t tell, don’t swell and are grateful as hell.”

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady than said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet” “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I’d have the Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

“What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.

“Forget the damn lion!” he howled. “Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made “Tickle me Elmo dolls”. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn’t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.

Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, “Lady, I said to give each doll Two—-Test—-Tickles.”

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?”

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?” The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?” The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, “This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?” Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, “You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?” The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said “You’re so smart, YOU tell ME!”

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.” Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?” “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”