Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

** If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

** If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

** If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

** This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company…” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

** Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she Tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

** Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

** If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

** If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

** After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

** Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

** Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.

** Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.

** Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

** Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

** Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

** Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

** Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

** Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

** Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder…louder…

** Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Mike and Bill were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered the lobby.

Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just before the thieves got to the pair, Bill turned to Mike and, passing him a $20 saying: “By the way Mike, here’s that money I owe you.”

Top excuses if found asleep at your Desk…

“Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”

“Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”

“Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!”

“I was working smarter-not harder.”

“Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

“I’m in the management training program.”

“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

“It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.”

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
“…and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!”

Cute feeling..:
My hands never pain
when typing message for you..!!

But my heart always pain
when there is no reply
from you..!!

Just click on this link and click on play,

then leave the mouse alone,

sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance.

I wonder who had ‘time’ to do this.

If you ever wondered why Call center employees are paid so high, then here is the real reason. Once you go through the following, you decide if it is rational for them to be paid so high or not

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH……
FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK : ( and you would find out the same .. !!!! )

1 ) Tech Support : “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer : “Ok.”
Tech Support : “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer : “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”
—————————————-

2) Customer : “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
Tech Support : “Did you install the update?”
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

————————————————–

3) Customer : “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support : “Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer : “I typed ‘A: SETUP’.”
Tech Support : “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.”
Customer : “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
Tech Support : “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Customer : “What?”
Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”
Customer: “No…”

————————————————–

4) Customer : “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

————————————————–

5) Tech Support : “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer : “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
Tech support : ##### ***

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6) Tech Support : “What type of computer do you have?”
Customer : “A white one.”
Tech support : ******_____####

————————————————–

7) Tech Support : “What operating system are you running?”
Customer : “Pentium.”

Tech support : ////—–+++
————————————————–

Customer : “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”
Tech support : ??????

————————————————–

9) Customer : “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
Tech Support : ?!%#$
————————————————–

10) Customer : “How do I print my voicemail?”
Tech support : ??????

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11) Customer : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support : “What does it say?”

Customer : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”

Customer : “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

Tech support : @@@@@
————————————————–

12) Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”

Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

————————————————–

13) Tech Support : “What does the screen say now?”

Customer : “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support : “Well?”

Customer : “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Tech support : *** —- ++++
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The best of the lot

14) A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: (keep quite)

Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
command.

Tech support::

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The, tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech support::(hush hush)

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User : It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User : MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech : That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User : I need a new power supply.

Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?

Tech support : (hush hush)

User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.

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Height Of it all (Too Good)

15) Customer : I need a product identification number right now

Customer Care Officer : and may I help u in finding it out?

Cust : sure !!!!

CCO : could u left click on start and do u find ‘My Computer’?

Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your, computer?

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly — tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, “There are no fish under the ice!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked “Is that you Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a

$1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

Why Government do NOT
allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.

Because per Constitution,
you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE
for the same Mistake.

How do you fit 30
Indians in Maruti 800?

Throw a 100 rupee note inside