Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

** The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

** Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.

** The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the church breakfast next Sunday morning.

** Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

** A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

** The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

** Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

** The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

** Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

** A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

** At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

** Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

** Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

** The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

** The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

** Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.

** For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

** This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

** The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

** Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

** The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense.

Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital — the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms — if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S.government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.

Humans can be very frustrating pets, but there are simple steps that you can follow to bring them under control. If you follow these instructions, you can have your human trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven totally unproductive. In order to discourage the water habit, you should wander near the bathroom during one such ritual, then “accidentally” get sprayed with water — this provides an excuse to scream loudly and scratch everything in sight with all four feet. If this behavior repeated often enough, the human will get the message that water is to be avoided.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to understand a proper language. Therefore, you must communicate your points loudly and repeatedly. If at all possible, the best time to make an impression is at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably about fifteen minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by up-close and prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boyscout rank?

2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If “No”, explain:

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____

*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly buttonring? ____

7. Do you have a tattoo? ____

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTERmean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

13. How often do you attend: ____________________________

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________

15. Please fill in the blanks:

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________

A woman’s place is in the ____________________________

The one thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is
____________________________

When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue and leave premises – keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says,
“I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from
Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I!
And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was,
I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,
“It’s going to be a long night tonight,
the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it’s self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
If you don’t, you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.
If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re over sexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Technical Support,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.”

The man below says: “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric glue gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Instructions for Microsoft’s new TV dinner product:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crud

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ‘99. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.