Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems
Funny Emails, Funny Cell Phone Forwards, Funny SMS, Funny Quotes, Funny Poems

** The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

** Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.

** The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the church breakfast next Sunday morning.

** Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

** A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

** The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

** Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

** The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

** Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

** A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

** At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

** Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

** Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

** The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

** The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

** Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.

** For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

** This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

** The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

** Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

** The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Par haste haste Kabhi woh bhi roye honge…
Yadon me hamari woh bhi khoye honge,
khuli aankhon se kabhi woh bhi soye honge,
Maana hasna hai Aada Gham Chupanay ki,
par haste haste Kabhi woh bhi roye honge…

Read more post from Poetry SMS..

dilon ki daastan usay kahan qabool thi
meri wafayain uske liye fazool thi
koi aas nahi par itna bata do
maine chaha use… kya yehi meri bhool thi

Read more post from Poetry SMS..

Dear Child:

I am writing this slow because I know that you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it after me. She’s going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. We think they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom

PS I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Attorney: “May I help you??”
Farmer: “Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
Attorney: “Well, do you have any grounds?”
Farmer: “Yeah, I got about 140 acres.”
Attorney: “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”
Farmer: “No, I don’t have a Case, but I got a John Deere.”
Attorney: “No, you still don’t understand! I mean do you have a grudge?”
Farmer: “Yeah I got a grudge! That’s where I park my John Deere.”
Attorney: “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
Farmer: “Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays.”
Attorney: “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
Farmer: “Nope, we both get up about 4:30.”
Attorney: “Okay, let me put it this way… why do you want a divorce?”

Farmer: “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

** Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.

** When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point.

** Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL.”

** When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response.

** You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there’s nothing there.

** You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

** You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.

** You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out.”

** Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

** You’ve even gotten on an airplane just to meet “sweet_girl” face-to-face.

** You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

** You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

** You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

** You begin to say “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

** When someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”

** You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep.

** You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you’re online again.

** You know more about online friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.

** You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

** You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

** You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth.

** You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are.

** You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

** You won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved.

** Your dog leaves you.

** You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

** You type faster than you can think.

** You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

** You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.

** You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you “just wanted to see who was online.”

Dear Santa,

Listen you cheery old man, I’ve been saving your butt every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake fur at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it’s payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a slut in a hot pink bikini. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your behind? I don’t suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Heck, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?!

4. It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.

6. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher make real money.

7. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

8. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.

9. Mattel stock options. It’s been 40 years – I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don’t like it, you can find yourself a new chick for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

As ever, …….Barbie

Ken’s Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That chick has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann &Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.

My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are “Decorator Ken,” “Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Broadway Ken.” Other avenues which could be considered are:

“Go-Go Ken,” “Impersonator Ken”, or “West Hollywood Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under served. As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick her to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to that Blonde Bimbo Barbie, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others.

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe.

Sincerely, Ken

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there May you find a parking space.

May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.

May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.

May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.

May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and May some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your check book and your budget balance, and May they include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

May we live as intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.